It’s the end of a long day, we are all tired. Bath time meltdowns lead to far too many people raising their voices and hurting each other with words that cut like knives. Where is the mother I used to be, sometimes I don’t recognize myself anymore. This stress is wearing us thin.
She is a five-year old that has had her world turned upside down and we expect her to handle things like an adult, but even us adults aren’t managing things very well these days.
I crawl into bed, baby in one arm 5-year-old in the other and whisper softly “forgive me my sweet child” you don’t deserve any of this. They deserve the best of us not the worst, I raise my voice far too often around here these days, yet I am so hard on her when she loses her temper. I need to change.
I want to search out the simple mothering skills that are heart led not stress led, I want to be able to look my children in the eye and know I have given them my very best. I want to be the mother I used to be to her, and to him…. no wait I want to be even better than that.
I want to see the sparkle in their eyes and know we had something to do with that. I will do better tomorrow than I did today, I promise you sweet girl.
Hey sweet Mellie. you are still that wonderful mom that we know you to be. given all that you have been through, the worries with Declan’s health, it is no wonder that at times that you feel absolutely worn thin. We have all been there, no matter what our specific causes. The fact that you(like I , have the time to ponder these things and want to better, tells of your love and faith. Though you may not feel it at this moment, I believe God is carrying you, even if it is just a little. With our boys, we have had our stessful moments, Have faith. Know we love you. Sidney, like all kids (the eldest especially, you can relate) will bounce back. For every short tempered thing you say to her, she will remember the 100 kind and loving things you have said or done for her. Love from me to you (from Merida, Mexico…my sister is getting married tomorrow!) Love you to bits. all the bits!
Aunt Leslie
The fact that you’re expressing this is so encouraging! You acknowledge that you want to do different. May you have the grace, faith and wisdom to continue. You, Tim, Sydney and Declan continue to be in our prayers. My Mom (Neta) prays for you on a regular basis as well. She has a soft spot in her heart for you. Know that you are loved from afar.
Although we have never met, I feel as though we are connected by the invisible threads of womanhood, mothering and faith. There have been more times than I care to count in which I have questioned God on the whys and hows and what about not giving us more than we can handle. I have not been in your shoes in you in mine, but I must tell you “I find great comfort in your words, God gives us what he knows we can handle. He knows our limits far better than we do. He is always there, shaping and refining, even if sometimes by fire. Cling to Him now more than ever. Seek Him for His promises. Receive grace and give it. I am praying for you all.
Hugs to you, my friend. We all have those moments, even in just everyday life. I can’t imagine trying to deal with everything else you’ve been through, and trying to help a 5 year old deal with it too. You are in my prayers. Love you.